Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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