my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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