six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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