So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
