I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize