dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
