I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
