I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
