i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
