I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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