is your mom at the bar?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
