This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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