So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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