If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
