My boss' voice literally gives me gas
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
