i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize