Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
