you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize