WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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