I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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