i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
40s are totally the cure
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
