I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
