In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
