Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
