my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
