I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
