Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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