3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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