Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I want to have your abortion
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
