Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
