Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize