I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
