The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
