Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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