You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
