the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
