I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
