Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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