1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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