I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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