I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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