Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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