Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
