So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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