just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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