hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
