My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That accounts for only three of the penises
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
