He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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