Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
