it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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