I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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