Will you blow on my dice?
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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