Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
