Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
