He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
