remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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