Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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