At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
