I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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