I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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