maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
