i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
