Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
