went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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