Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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