Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
