Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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