she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
