he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
