there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
