you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize