She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
