I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
